One of Those Days

You know those days where you just wake up in the morning and feel like your heart is being crushed? Where you feel like there's nothing you'd rather do than lie down in the middle of the road and close your eyes? (That might be a little bit dramatic. I'll tone it down.)

Sometimes I'm really selfish. I look at my problems and I think, "Wow. I have it really bad." I complain to my friends about my issues, and I sit at my desk with a face that says, "Don't talk to me. Can't you see I'm having a horrible day?" I hate it when I feel this way. It's like Satan is winning the battle over my heart. It's like I'm exchanging all the joy and all the peace I could have had for a big basket of sorrow and pity. It is really dumb.

When stuff like this comes up, I know what I have to do. I need remove myself. I have to leave myself behind. I need to have my heart shaken up. So I stood up from my desk, where it was all to easy to escape the world with various blogs and conversations, and I walked out. I listened to some worship songs as I left.

Oh Lord, You're beautiful

Your face is all I see

For when Your eyes are on this child

Your grace abounds to me

He is jealous for me!

His Love is like a hurricane and I am a tree

Bending. Beneath.

The weight of His wind and mercy...

I stopped. I couldn't drive anymore. I just stopped. Photography is how express myself. I had brought my camera with me, because I knew this was going to happen.

Feeling so overwhelmed. So unworthy. I just opened my heart and asked my Father to forgive me, to save me.

I think I try to carry everything by myself. I see the problems, the hurt, the suffering, and I try to find the answer and solution on my own. The result of this is me, a small human, carrying the weight and burdans that only God can shoulder. Who do I think I am?

I cannot solve every problem. In reality, it's Christ who works to bring the Good that humanity so desperately needs. I am but a tool, here for a time to bring Him glory until He takes me home. I am far from perfect, and He knows that. He knows I will fail, He knows I will feel hopeless, He knows I will be frustrated and just want to Cry. He knows.

I got back on the road, feeling fuller; my cup of joy no longer running on empty. The Babyhouse awaited me.

Saw Min Oo is four years old. He was born into the Mae Sot Prison where his mother is serving time. I have grown to love with this little boy. He is so bright, so loving, and so inquisitive. He has grown so much in the month since he's been living at the babyhouse.

This little man has grown a lot too. He came to the babyhouse with his mom. He's over a year old, but he was unable to walk, crawl, or even sit up by himself. He never smiled, and made almost no eye contact. He had been neglected and unable to develop in a healthy environment. His mom recently left to look for work, and we have taken him in and given him a lot of affection. Now he's sitting up, smiling, making eye contact, and quickly developing his muscles to crawl, and hopefully walk.

I hung around while they ate lunch. I photographed them for some projects we're doing. I joked with Saw Min Oo and Birdy and cuddled with them as I put them down for their naps. My heart become warm again. I have a purpose. I have good things. My cup was full of joy.

But, God doesn't really stop once your cup is full. He kind of has the tendency to make it overflow, and He was about to blow my mind (and cup) to smithereens.

I took the beautiful way back to the office. A back road that has an amazing view. I was stopping every few moments to stare in wonder at the picture I was seeing.

God. Is. So. Majestic.

Feeling unworthy? Don't. He loves you more than you can imagine.

Feeling small and insignificant? Don't. He has wonderful things for your future, if only you will trust Him.

Feeling like laying in the middle of the road? Not anymore.

So life goes on.

Until next time :)

Then the Rain Came

I sat. Sweating.

Partially from the heat, partially from the expectation.

I sat in the chair, in a room I'd sat in a million times before, but this time I was not the student.

I was in fact, the teacher.

Eight expectant faces looked up at me.

"Mingalaba Saya Ma." (Hello Teacher.)

"So uh... What do I do?" I glanced to my left. Hin Bai sat nursing her three month old baby. She had been my Burmese teacher until Theresa came.

"Just talk. They want to learn to speak English."

I gathered my wits and began a weird exercise. I made things up as I went along.

I think it went well. They expect me to come back next week, so it couldn't have been that bad.

And I gave them homework... like a good teacher does.

When 6:00 came we switched back to Burmese.

"Will you follow us? We're going to a birthday party."

"Sure." I replied.

We hopped onto motorbikes and took off for the local migrant school where the Birthday girl lived.

As we drove I noted the peculiar color of the sky. Kind of a muggy, light pink color. Then the rain came. It was that kind of rain that soaks you to the bone. By the time we got to the school, I was drenched. I stood outside her door, my jeans dripping onto the hallway floor.

"Katie!" She cried out. "Come in! I have some clothes you can wear!"

She ushered me into her bedroom and carefully selected a longi and t-shirt. I peeled off my jeans and shirt. She helped me tie the traditional Chin longi and led me back to the living room. In those few moments I felt completely transformed. I came in as a Westerner but I emerged as... I'm not sure what. Some people say Karen, while others think... who knows. My looks baffle people here.

We sat on the floor and gave her encouragement. She was turning 58 that day, and we each took a turn reading scripture and giving her words of wisdom. We prayed over her. I sat on the floor, suddenly feeling warm. But, it was a different warm from before. It didn't bring sweat to my brow, but it brought comfort to my heart. Here, with dry clothes and surrounded by these people, I felt so at home. We joked with each other in Burmese and they showed their obvious enjoyment in the fact that I could make conversation in Burmese.

I rode my motorbike home in my borrowed clothes, the soaking American clothes in my basket. As I drove past the restaurant I often eat at with friends, I glanced in and saw three of my closest Burmese speaking friends. I turned around and circled back. As I walked in I retied the skirt and they applauded. They appreciated my Burmese-ness I think.

I know I will never fully be Burmese. I have a slight advantage with my Asian looks , but I can never know what it's like to be from Burma. I think I'll have to be content with this. I'm glad I have friends who are so welcoming, who want me to be close to them, who want me to understand their lives and culture.

Top 10 Things I LOVE about my Life

1) My friends

God has really blessed me with some awesome and lasting relationships here in Thailand. The people at Compasio have become more like my family than my co workers. We love spending time together; eating, watching movies, playing guitar, going on motorbike adventures, going into the community, sitting in tea shops, and talking. We have an amazing time together.

2) My lifestyle

There's something so satisfying to living simply. I live in a one room house with 3 girls. We don't have a TV. We don't have refrigerator. We don't have a microwave. We don't even have a shower. But we have each other. (cheesy? sorry about that) We spend our evenings sitting in the living room, talking, dancing, and laughing. We walk to the market everyday to buy food to cook for dinner. We take bucket showers and hand wash our clothes. Sometimes we'll watch a movie on my laptop, but our best memories have been from just sitting together and enjoying each other's company.

3) Being close to Burma

Burma is full of heartbreak. Burma is full of pain. But, there is something so appealing about people from Burma. They have this light, this care free way of laughing and loving. They are endearing. I've never met people like this before. My closest and most dearly loved friends are from Burma, and even though we are worlds apart in our backgrounds and looks, they have welcomed me in and accepted me.

4) The Food

I have a plethora of AMAZING food in reach at all times. That can account for why I've gained so much weight. (lol) THAI FOOD. BURMESE FOOD. CHIN FOOD. WESTERN FOOD. MMMMMMMM

and it's so cheap.

5) Transportation

want to go to Chiang Mai? Hop on a bus. you'll be there in 5 hours. it costs $6.

want to go to Bangkok? Hop on a night bus. When you wake up you'll be there. Only $10.

I rely on my trusty motorbike to get me around town. You can fit 2-3 people, though I've seen up to 5 people squished onto one seat.

6) The Diversity of my town

American. Australian. Japanese. Korean. Philipino. Karen. Chin. Kachin. Chinese. Burmese. Thai. Akah. Lahoo. There are so many people groups here! So many languages. So many styles. It's so fun.

7) The Mae Sot Garbage Dump

I know I know. You've heard about the garbage dump a lot but I LOVE IT. The people there are truly fantastic. They're so welcoming. I love going there and being recognized. I love being invited into someone's home to sit and chat. I would move there if I could.

8) The Beauty

It's rainy season right now. Everything is this unbelievable shade of green. The mountains of Burma loom in the distance and rice fields are in full bloom. Dark clouds threaten on the horizon and lighting rips the sky. Flowers bloom, bright and beautiful. I'm often stopped dead in my tracks by the beauty of this place. If you were to ride your motorbike 45 minutes out of town you would find a handful of waterfalls, amazing beyond belief.

9) The Markets

What do you want to buy? Clothes? Food? Flowers? Makeup? Precious stones? Live frogs and turtles? Go to the market. Mae Sot alone has the border market, Sunday market, Burmese outdoor market, Saturday walking temple market, Friday/Saturday highway market, and day time alley market. So what did you need again?

10) Familiarity and Community

Last time I went to Chiang Mai, I felt such a disconnect. I felt like a tourist. I realized how much I value being familiar with people. There are people I've never spoken too, but I recognize them as I drive down the road. I can smile and wave at people I know.

There's one woman who walks around Mae Sot collecting garbage. She's so dark, a Burmese woman descended from Indians. At some point I began to make eye contact with her as I passed her on the road. The eye contact turned to a smile, the smile transformed to a wave. One day I saw her sitting, waiting on a corner. I went to her a we talked for the first time. I bought her a water and yogurt and I learned about her life, her children. That's what I love about Mae Sot. Strangers become friends if you see them often enough.

So. There you have it. I have never been more satisfied or felt more complete in my life. I feel so competely blessed by God, that all I want to do is have my life be a blessing to Him in return.

Hi.

It's me. It's been almost a month since I've written anything new. It's partly because I don't want to waste your time with junk but also partially because I've been really busy. So... just be warned that I have no spectacular story of heroism, just a quick update to let you know that I'm still alive.

In the past month... (bullet points if I may?)

• I moved! My two friends I were living with and I parted ways, Pim moved to Bangkok and Steph moved into a place closer to the office. I had actually been feeling like I wanted to be more immersed in Burmese so this came as a perfect opportunity. I was hooked up with 3 Chin girls from Church and I moved in. We have a really great time. They are really sweet and patient with helping me learn Burmese. I feel like I've improved so much already.

In the past week....

• My old old OLD friend from childhood came to Thailand for a quick visit. Amanda and I have been friends since age 8. It was so cool to hang out with her and show her my life here.

Wednesday I drove up to Chiang Mai

Friday we came back down to Mae Sot

Saturday we went back to Chiang Mai

and Monday I came back to Mae Sot. I am tired just typing that...

To bad Thailand is so ugly... what a bust having to drive back and forth ;)

In the past day...

• Compasio has begun an internship training for Burmese community engagement workers. Each week focuses on a different topic, this week we are learning about the Father Heart of God. What an amazing seminar! It's something powerful to know, truly know in your heart, that the God of the universe is your Father and loves you with a perfect love.

In the past hour...

• I woke up, took a quick bucket shower, got dressed, and went to 7-11 to buy more minutes for my cell phone. As I was getting on my motor bike to go to the office, I spotted 2 of my friends who were stopped by the police. I quick ran over, for some reason it helps to have a western face present when 2 illegal Burmese people are stopped by the police. I stood there with them, and waited as the policeman continued to direct traffic. They ended up with just a ticket.

Now...

• I'm gonna scarf down this bowl of raman noodles and quick rush over to the training.

Hope everyone is doing well... and by everyone I mean the people who read this... like you mom. Hi.

Off to be wrapped in the arms of my loving Father and to use the blessings He's given me to be a blessing to those around. Care to join me?

Potential.

Music began thumping and I looked up to see all of the kids gathered at the far end of the room. As the hip hop melody drifted towards me, they lined up and began a cat walk of sorts; one at a time showing off their modeling skills. They walked towards me, blowing kisses on either side, performing dance like twists and turns to outdo their forerunner. When one boy added a dance move to his strut, the other kids quickly swarmed the center of the room and began demonstrating their break dancing moves. The girls continued blowing kisses and giggled embarrassedly when they saw I was watching.

The fun soon ended as the kids made their way outside and picked up their sacks, some full of cans and other recyclables, some empty. An argument broke out between two of the kids.

“I let you borrow 20 baht, and I need it back!”
“I know I borrowed it from you but I cannot pay you. I don’t have any money. I have no money and you know that.”
“I just need the money.”

The argument escalated as they threatened to hit each other. These kids have grown up on the streets; they don’t know how to talk calmly about a situation. They’ve been raised by violence. Survival and money is at the forefront of their minds.

Children should be allowed to live as children. Children their age are usually juggling time between family, friends, homework, and play. Yet, these beautiful children have to go to the streets everyday to collect garbage. They are expected to bring home enough money to feed their parents and younger siblings.

I hope that when they’re older, they will think back to those mornings at the drop in center. I hope that when they have children of their own they will remember the desperation and fear they felt when they approached their parents with only a few baht in hand, even though they’d worked all day long. I hope that when they look in the eyes of their children, they will realize that they deserve to be children. I hope a lot of things for these kids. But I guess that more than anything I hope that they will know how much they are worth. And if given the chance, they could have the potential become doctors, teachers, or even runway models.

Photos by Michelle Larson :)

James 1:27

"When you see her, when you meet her, you'll understand why we need to help her. Maybe you'll get an idea for what she needs." I entered the situation slightly uninformed. The only briefing I received was that this woman from the garbage dump was pregnant, due any day, and she was sick.

I first saw her from far away. She looked like she should have given birth weeks ago. She still worked, sorting through the garbage, looking for anything of value. We approached her and she slowly led us to her house. If this woman was in America she would have been assigned to bed rest weeks ago I thought to myself. But there is no such thing as bed rest here, if she can't work, she can't feed her children.

Her home was small and humble. Bamboo slats tied together with twine was their floor and bed, and tarps lined the bamboo frame of the roof. The walls were decorated with knick knacks; a Buddha calendar, a photo of the King, anything of beauty they've found in the garbage. This one small platform was where she slept with her two young children. Stench rose from the cracks in the floor, trash, mud, and excrement lay underneath. She invited us inside and we perched with our feet hanging over the edge. A pig snorted through the trash below.

As I spoke to this woman, and saw her worn and worried face, I couldn't even fathom being in her situation. She has had four husbands. They have all either died or left her. She has two young children to care for. She lives in a garbage dump. She's pregnant with a child who's father is just a memory. I guess in some ways, that's the story of every migrant that lives in Mae Sot. As we left, I said to her, "Sister. We're here for you. We're going to do everything we can to make sure you and your family are cared for. Please don't be afraid, we are your friends. You're not alone"

When she went into labor we took her to Mae Tao Clinic. It was there we discovered that she has HIV. The situation we thought had been bad had just gotten worse. I don't know much about HIV, but I believe that someone who's been diagnosed has only a matter of time before their immune system becomes unable to fight off viruses. This woman who lives in a neighborhood of garbage is so susceptible to quickly falling ill and dying from a common cold or open sore.

I've been to visit her in the hospital a few times. She sits with her baby. She is quite. I tell her how beautiful her baby is, how she is going to have a wonderful life and her face breaks into a small smile.

"Do you want her? Will you take her? I cannot keep her."

Jesus. Oh Jesus. Let your presence fill this town. Let your Love overwhelm every heart. Let there be Justice and Mercy. Give these people something to hold onto. Something that goes above their situations and circumstances. Be the Father to the Fatherless; the Husband to the Widow; the Hope of this Nation.

Amen.

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

like pulling teeth

She stood at the corner, far enough to look like she just happened to be passing by, except that she wasn't just passing, she had come with a purpose. They were a tattered looking pair. One older girl, maybe 21, though the stress on her face made her looked older. She clutched a baby to her chest. The younger girl was one I knew, a regular at our drop in center, but today she lacked her smile.

"Daughter," I called in Burmese, "come here."

She came. Her face grimaced in pain.

"Are you well?" I asked the two girls.

"No," The elder answered. "Her tooth is not good, and the baby is sick."

We peered into the girls mouth, her back molar was completely rotten.

It's moments like this where you need to be able to make split second decisions. These people had problems, and it would do nothing for them if I were to say, "Okay, I'll call a meeting this week and we'll get back to you next week."

"What can we do?" I looked up at the two Burmese speaking interns Compasio has recently hired. "Let's take them to Mae Tao Clinic."

The girl's tooth would have to be pulled, and no Thai hospital would take them. Mae Tao Clinic is free for anyone who comes.

We rode to the clinic. The woman and her baby sat behind me and she tightly gripped my waist, I wondered if she had ever been on a motorbike and I made sure to drive slowly as to not frighten her.

As we entered the clinic, I saw many people milling about, waiting for a chance to be seen, to be cared for. We approached the table and received cards. Esther and I went with the little girl while Daniel stayed with the woman and baby. We walked into the dentist area, and after taking a quick look at her teeth, the doctor told her to sit. Esther and I sat beside her while the man prepared the anesthesia. She gripped my hand tightly and tears escaped her eyes as the needle entered her cheek. After a few minutes the man returned and began to extract the rotten tooth. The girl cried and squeezed our hands even tighter. "It's okay! It's almost over! One more minute. You'll be okay." We reassured her with every word we could. The tooth came out, and she was done.

We returned and sat with Daniel and the sister.They knew they could come to us. I pondered to myself. I think that's really amazing. It must mean everything for these people who have virtually nothing, no one on their side to know that they can come to us with their needs.