Monday, March 21, 2011

Oh that Reverse Culture Shock!

I can use that as an excuse for my horribly depressing blog post I used last week right?

A lot can change in a week. I've been through a few levels varying from sadness to utter joy. It is kind of wacky and was beginning to take a toll on my soul by the time that little post below was churned out. Thank you to everyone who responded with encouragement. I appreciate it so much!

I'm really glad to report that this week has been completely healing and full of goodness. I'm sure this doesn't happen to you folks but sometimes I think that I have everything under control and I have no need to correspond with the God of the universe.
"Oh I'll be fine." I say to myself, "No need to read the Bible today. Saying a quick thank you prayer will do the trick."

Well it usually doesn't, and I think that's why I found myself in that horrible place of desperation.

I went to a worship night at my friend's church last week and it began to work on my soul. Realizing I was broken and hurt I quickly went to the only place I knew I would receive healing, the open arms of Jesus. Throughout the week I began to read my Bible again, I prayed earnestly and Hope began to rise.

I began dreaming again of plans for the future, and opportunities came up for me to be encouraged and to encourage others. This weekend I retreated to Pasadena for One Thing, a conference hosted by the International House of Prayer. It was on the US Center for World Mission campus, where I lived 2 years ago. I was able to reconnect with old friends and spend some really good quality time in community.

The worship at One Thing was fantastic, and exactly the push I needed to get me fully on the right track. There is something SO powerful about worshipping with thousands of people, the Holy Spirit was so thick in the room I felt Him healing and cleansing my brokenness and fears that had overtaken me since I've been back in America.

Every evening I went to sleep completely exhausted, but I was so full of the Spirit and so full of JOY. The weekend was rainy. It rained for over 24 hours, the streets were flooded and my drive from Pasadena to Orange was dangerous with the flooded freeways and heavy downpour, but now, I look out my window and I see blue skies.

I guess that's kind of like my life, like all of our lives. There are storms, there will always be storms, but the clouds will inevitably part, revealing the blue goodness of clarity and hope.

Monday, March 14, 2011

I don't know what to say.

Honestly. I don't know what to say.
I've been trying to put this feeling into words for days... weeks.
Oh, it's not always like this. Sometimes I feel bright, cheerful, hopeful... peaceful. But then, suddenly it just changes and I feel like I'm hanging at the edge of a cliff. By one finger.

Thailand was not perfect. I had so many ups and downs, but I always was able to conquer those difficult times. I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel this time.

I don't know what I'm longing for. I don't know what I want.
All I know, is that when I close my eyes at the end of the day and finally fall asleep, I'm either haunted or healed by my dreams. It's always of Border Towns. I always see faces of people I knew there, experiences I had, or troubles that I saw.

I long to feel the holy spirit in my life. I want that more than anything, my soul feels so dry. There's always short encounters, tiny glimpses of comfort that come and go, and in between I'm unable to focus and I just want to cry.

I guess this is a cry.