Monday, March 14, 2011

I don't know what to say.

Honestly. I don't know what to say.
I've been trying to put this feeling into words for days... weeks.
Oh, it's not always like this. Sometimes I feel bright, cheerful, hopeful... peaceful. But then, suddenly it just changes and I feel like I'm hanging at the edge of a cliff. By one finger.

Thailand was not perfect. I had so many ups and downs, but I always was able to conquer those difficult times. I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel this time.

I don't know what I'm longing for. I don't know what I want.
All I know, is that when I close my eyes at the end of the day and finally fall asleep, I'm either haunted or healed by my dreams. It's always of Border Towns. I always see faces of people I knew there, experiences I had, or troubles that I saw.

I long to feel the holy spirit in my life. I want that more than anything, my soul feels so dry. There's always short encounters, tiny glimpses of comfort that come and go, and in between I'm unable to focus and I just want to cry.

I guess this is a cry.


W.H. said...

I know this feeling. It's a good place to be. It's good, because you are so so close to where God steps in with inexplicable comfort! He's near. He's listening. He's knows your heart. He LOVES you Katie. Keep crying out! Don't let the rocks do it. Ps. 83

same said...

One more: Ps. 37. Whole thing's excellent! One verse comes to mind particularly, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart" (Ps. 37:4). Seek God. Don't worry much about not knowing what you want, not knowing your heart's desires. As you grope and reach out after God, He'll reveal them to you, and he promises to grant them. He's already planted them there, and they're bigger than you probably know. He probably just wants to work on you a bit, possibly in some areas you didn't know you needed working on. He's Good. He's really, really Good. Just keep seeking HIM. well, that's my two-cents:) Peace!

Gazza said...

Katie you have always been on my mind since the first time I saw your pics read your blog. God is doing something beautiful in you and what you have done for other people you will never know till you get to heaven. The legacy that you have left the touching of peoples hearts with your very down to earth blogs. You have opened your heart for others to experience situations that they may never experience. I still pray for you and I hope one day to see you and thank you in person for the awesome words you have spoken which have touched my heart
God bless you Katie