Wednesday, October 13, 2010

One of Those Days

You know those days where you just wake up in the morning and feel like your heart is being crushed? Where you feel like there's nothing you'd rather do than lie down in the middle of the road and close your eyes? (That might be a little bit dramatic. I'll tone it down.)

Sometimes I'm really selfish. I look at my problems and I think, "Wow. I have it really bad." I complain to my friends about my issues, and I sit at my desk with a face that says, "Don't talk to me. Can't you see I'm having a horrible day?" I hate it when I feel this way. It's like Satan is winning the battle over my heart. It's like I'm exchanging all the joy and all the peace I could have had for a big basket of sorrow and pity. It is really dumb.

When stuff like this comes up, I know what I have to do. I need remove myself. I have to leave myself behind. I need to have my heart shaken up. So I stood up from my desk, where it was all to easy to escape the world with various blogs and conversations, and I walked out. I listened to some worship songs as I left.

Oh Lord, You're beautiful
Your face is all I see
For when Your eyes are on this child
Your grace abounds to me

He is jealous for me!
His Love is like a hurricane and I am a tree
Bending. Beneath.
The weight of His wind and mercy...

I stopped. I couldn't drive anymore. I just stopped. Photography is how express myself. I had brought my camera with me, because I knew this was going to happen.

Feeling so overwhelmed. So unworthy. I just opened my heart and asked my Father to forgive me, to save me.

I think I try to carry everything by myself. I see the problems, the hurt, the suffering, and I try to find the answer and solution on my own. The result of this is me, a small human, carrying the weight and burdans that only God can shoulder. Who do I think I am?

I cannot solve every problem. In reality, it's Christ who works to bring the Good that humanity so desperately needs. I am but a tool, here for a time to bring Him glory until He takes me home. I am far from perfect, and He knows that. He knows I will fail, He knows I will feel hopeless, He knows I will be frustrated and just want to Cry. He knows.

I got back on the road, feeling fuller; my cup of joy no longer running on empty. The Babyhouse awaited me.

Saw Min Oo is four years old. He was born into the Mae Sot Prison where his mother is serving time. I have grown to love with this little boy. He is so bright, so loving, and so inquisitive. He has grown so much in the month since he's been living at the babyhouse.

This little man has grown a lot too. He came to the babyhouse with his mom. He's over a year old, but he was unable to walk, crawl, or even sit up by himself. He never smiled, and made almost no eye contact. He had been neglected and unable to develop in a healthy environment. His mom recently left to look for work, and we have taken him in and given him a lot of affection. Now he's sitting up, smiling, making eye contact, and quickly developing his muscles to crawl, and hopefully walk.

I hung around while they ate lunch. I photographed them for some projects we're doing. I joked with Saw Min Oo and Birdy and cuddled with them as I put them down for their naps. My heart become warm again. I have a purpose. I have good things. My cup was full of joy.

But, God doesn't really stop once your cup is full. He kind of has the tendency to make it overflow, and He was about to blow my mind (and cup) to smithereens.

I took the beautiful way back to the office. A back road that has an amazing view. I was stopping every few moments to stare in wonder at the picture I was seeing.
God. Is. So. Majestic.

Feeling unworthy? Don't. He loves you more than you can imagine.

Feeling small and insignificant? Don't. He has wonderful things for your future, if only you will trust Him.

Feeling like laying in the middle of the road? Not anymore.

So life goes on.
Until next time :)


Daniel schiel said...

Katie!!!!! you are such an amazing girl. I continue to pray for you and I know God will continue to give you the strength to Go on. we really need to work on keeping in touch.

Stephanie said...

Katie, you are such a beautiful person and I'm so honored to be your friend. I love the way you engage in what your Father wants to do with you, and that you're able to express it so well to others.

Beautiful. Thank you.

Lori Ruseler said...

*wink* from your Daddy in heaven! You make Him so happy!! And, you bless my socks off precious lil honey! I adore you.

Fran Thwaites said...

Katie, I know those days - they were my normal days for many years until I started to learn what He is showing you now - that He is the strong one, that He has the shoulders that can bear(and has borne) all the troubles of the world, and that He has marked out the path of good works for us to walk in. But you know much about that already. Be encouraged, little one, that as you lean hard on Him on those "ugly" days, His beauty and His general amazingness will shine out from you more and more - you will be like a city set on a hill, and your testimony for Christ will reach further than you can ever imagine.

Keep on jumping across for Him - and it will all be...Yellow!

Love ya honey! And LOVE the photos

Michelle Larson said...

Love this post. You have a beautiful heart, sweet girl. Thank you for sharing how He beckons you, restores you, and reminds you that He is the One at the wheel.

Lori Woolston said...

Katie, thank you for sharing- I love you! Isn't it silly how easily we forget (I know I struggle sometimes daily with this) how HE is the one carrying us...HE cares for us and wants so much for us...we just need to let HIM- like you said , step out of ourselves and left HIM fill us.
Your pictures are awesome! You are in my prayers, girl!

John Heyerdahl said...

Thanks for your sharing Katie, this was very warming to read.

Roxanna Grimes said...

Katie,thank you for showing us a heart that chases after God's heart and doesn't give up.